I have many things I would like to say to you, my adoring fans and minions, but the purpose of my speech here today is simply thus: I would like to correct the mistaken idea that I, Darth Vader, began as the winy little git known to all as Anakin Skywalker, as portrayed in the recent Episode One and Episode Two. Those movies were merely a Rebel plot meant to make me seem less threatening. While that particular Anakin's snivley complaining explained much about the early personality of Luke, you really must see that a Sith Lord such as I am could not come from such silly roots. How could that infuriating, arrogant little boy become me?
You see. there was a mixup in the Dreaded Paperwork of the Empire. My original name *was* Anakin Skywalker. And that boy *does* currently hold the name-- but it is merely a coincidence. It is also a coincidence that his wife holds the same name as mine did, and that we are both missing one of our hands. Blame it on the Mitichlorians (wich are really just a Rebel conspiracy anyway, set up to make our powers seem less unstoppable and to encourage people to resist); they're such terrible keepers of paperwork. They should all be fired, but their union refuses to allow it.
But what is the purpose of such a plot, you ask? Well, I do not pretend to understand the paltry minds of the Rebel leaders. All these movies and their lies have accomplished is to shorten the timespan so that not only is the Empire a newcomer, having existed not mroe than a single generation, but also the Rebellion is a shallow upstart, calling for freedom when most of those under our... ahem... protection still remember other ways. If they were trying to undo us, they have also undone themselves.
In conclusion: Rebels are evil and will all die.
That is all.